Stockholm Fear

We did that thing together?

I had a lot of fun. I can’t remember her name though.

I never asked for it. I never gave her mine, I never said a word.

How badly I wanted to.

No matter how many opportunities I pursue, there are always still so many that I allow to escape.

She was one.

She may have rejected me.

Had she done so though, I wouldn’t be thinking about her now.

Maybe I would. Love is tough.

It’s tough to understand. It may be impossible to understand.

Dating is tough. Though, dating is fun.

Most fun things have tough elements. I’m not sure if most fun things would be fun if they weren’t tough.

She wouldn’t have been into me anyway, I thought.

My intuition had a different opinion.

My insecurities yell pretty loudly at me though.

They boss me around quite a bit. More so with women than with anything else.

They don’t want me to.

My intuition is getting stronger. My trust in it is still weak compared to the insecurities. I trust them like a captive trusts their captor.

I stumble along. Sometimes I parade forward, and other days I crawl backwards.

I’m not perfect today. I wasn’t yesterday either.

Were you?

Why Must I

Why must I come to you in sincerity and slander another person whom I regard as friend?
Is it not so that I might find validation in you telling me that my behaviors were rational, and that my friend’s were not?
Why must I complain to you about those in my life who challenge me or cause me difficulties?
Is it not a reflection of one of the many defective aspects of my character, in which I fear confronting them about it? Is it but another fault of mine to, instead, further burden you with these troubles of mine?
Why must I speak to you about strangers in a way that makes them seem like lowly insects crawling at our feet?
For am I not a stranger to those whom I walk about while I am alone? And what of me demanding your attention, in such a way, as to make you feel as though you must agree with my arrogance?
For in disagreement, silent or spoken, have I not now made you feel lonely while in my presence?
Why must I attempt to convince you, by any means and about anything, that you are indeed wrong? Yet, I generously allow myself to be seen, in unspoken deduction, as right.
For am I not seeking a similar validation as before, only now instead of being right where others were wrong, I want to be right and for you to be wrong.
Why, why must I exhaust myself in trying only to prove that I am so? For am I not good enough as I be?
Or, is it that my outward expression of selfishness is merely an attempt to convince the only one who needs convincing: me?
But what then must I try to convince myself of? Surely, it isn’t only this meager notion of being good enough, for what then is enough?
Or, is nothing ever enough? Am I to continuously seek to build myself up to a standard of infinity?
How sad of an existence I am destined then, desiring to be the best out of everyone that ever did, yet unable to believe the delusion that I am.
And you…
Poor you.
For you are one of few left who, walks with me despite my many shortcomings and my vain attempts to manipulate you.


He said we were running out of time, yet in judging our allowance of dissatisfaction, it seemed to him that we behaved as though we might live forever.
He said that for many of us, death already had taken the majority of our years; that all those behind us were the possession of it.

He questioned why we still seemed to unnecessarily partake in these activities that brought us no fulfillment, no joy, no deep sense of purpose.

Was it because we were denying what had been viewed as ineludible, or was it because of some masochistic sense of obligation?

He asked whether or not many of us spent most of our time doing things we did not enjoy.

There were some solemn head nods, but it was otherwise silent.

He went on to ask why we chose to spend the most valuable resource we possessed, pursuing objects that brought us only fleeting satisfaction.

This question seemed more obviously rhetorical than the last.

He boldly said that he challenged us to acknowledge that we were going to die, and that it would be sooner than later.

The silence became stark.
It was as though the Grim Reality had finally received recognition from a people whom it had desired to advise for a long time.
One could almost feel its satisfaction in the air, yet the crowd remained motionless, listening not moving. It was as though their watches stopped ticking and time stood still; an irony to defy the lesson being taught.

The thought of my terminally ill father flashed into my mind.

He asked what then we were going to do. 

He asked if we must still be in a fervent pursuit for more, or if we could appreciate that which we were already in possession.
He encouraged us with the counterintuitive mention that it is this denial of our finite lives that causes the suffering and detriment we experience.

He concluded in saying that if we would only periodically remind ourselves of our inevitable fate, we might be so fortunate to live lives of meager regret.

5 Quick Tips To Make You Want to Get Up In The First Place

5 Quick Tips To Make You Want to Get Up In The First Place

Too many of us struggle with getting out of bed in the morning. It is no fun to wake up and immediately be in rush-mode; I know because I spent plenty of my life there. Here are a few tricks to help you want to get up earlier, not just help you wake up when the alarm goes off.

1. Do Whatever You Want– Nobody wants to get out of bed in the morning–unless they have something they enjoy doing when they wake up. Don’t base your interest in getting everything together as fast as you can and scurrying out the door to work. Nobody wants to get out of bed to go to work. Ehh. What are some thing that you enjoy doing that you can do in the beginning of your day? Read a book, write in a journal, drawing or some other form of creative expression. Maybe you’re the type that realizes there is some satisfaction in getting a couple chores done first thing, so you can relax later. Maybe you have spiritual practice, or want to, but never have the time. Make the time in the morning for your meditation or prayer or reflection. Do whatever you want to do in the morning. Make it your time. If you have kids and this makes this impossible, then you could get up before they do.

2. Go to Bed!- Nobody wants to get up in the morning when they’re exhausted. There’s a brilliant solution to this enormous dilemma: go to bed already! Jeez. What’s your excuse? I’ve had them all. The truth is that if you want to have an easier time getting up in the morning, you need to have some sort of bedtime. The only way to avoid the bedtime is if you don’t have obligations in the morning. Unfortunately, most of us will have to go to work for someone, or you’ll have to get the kids to school, or whatever else. If this is the case, experiment a little and determine how much sleep you need to be fully functional. I’m not a doctor, so I won’t talk matter-of-factly about sleep cycles and requirements. I will say that I’ve tried many different amounts of time, and as of late I’ve just been doing the boring old recommendation of eight hours per night. My suggestion would be to do at least seven, but I’m sure many of you would argue that. If you say you can’t make time for sleep, then you’re probably lying to yourself. Being too busy for things that matter to you is simply having a lack of priority. Don’t fall into this trap like so many of us do. If sleep means a lot to you, and you don’t want to feel like shit everyday when you wake up, make it a priority.

3. Set the Intention– You ever heard that popular adage about how your morning starts the night before? Guess what? It’s not a coincidence that so many people say this. The idea is to go to bed with the intention of looking forward to waking up. Do you ever remember being tired on Christmas morning as a kid? Yeah me neither. You were excited to wake up because of what the following day had in store for you. What’s different now? I understand if your not the poster-child for optimism. But if you’re living a life where you dread your days because of work or other things, you’re probably going to need more life adjustment than only getting a good night’s sleep. That’s not to say that sleep isn’t a good place to start though. Set the intention of waking up because you want to. This ties in with the first suggestion of doing what you want in the morning. Be excited to do those things. Reclaim this small portion of your life, and set the intention of reclaiming the rest of your life after that.

4. Raise the Stakes– How badly do you want to wake up? The most effective method I can recommend is to find some friends with the same problem, (this shouldn’t be hard to do) and begin a little accountability betting pool. Everybody checks in with a picture of themselves fully dressed in a group text message or some other means. You might use Facebook Messenger, or Google+, or something else. Everybody checks in every day, at or before their time. For every day that someone misses, they owe five dollars to the pool. At the end of a month or longer, whoever has the least misses takes the pool. This will motivate you socially from not wanting to look bad; it will motivate you in the sense of not wanting to lose your money; it will motivate you in the sense of wanting to win the total amount. This trifecta of motivation will not only make it interesting, but it will also ensure that you get your butt out of bed.

5. Finally, I’ll recommend the more common suggestions that will help you to wake up once you’re out of bed. These are the sorts of things typically recommended on these types of posts. They certainly have their place, but the above suggestions will not only wake you up, but give you more of a desire to wake up in the first place. Don’t just treat the symptom, get to the cause.

Put the alarm clock across the room. This won’t allow you to roll over and hit the snooze button; you’ll have to get on your feet.

Have a glass of water waiting for you by the alarm clock. Drink the entire glass, then go fill it up cold and drink that one. Your body is dehydrated after so many hours of not drinking. This has many additional benefits, but most importantly it will make you noticeably more awake.

Rinse your face with cold water. Do I need to explain the benefit of this?

Get dressed in your clothes for the day. If you are a person who doesn’t shower first thing in the morning, get dressed in the clothes you plan to wear. If you are a person who showers in the morning, shower. You might rinse quickly with cold water after you’re all cleaned up. It will definitely wake you up.

Get some fresh air. Take five minutes or so and stand outside. Just breath in the fresh air. If it’s early morning it will probably be a little chilly outside; all the better. Too many of us neglect being outside. Take a moment and get a little of the day in your lungs.
What other tricks do you use to help in either wanting to get up or in actually waking up once you get moving? Please take a quick moment and share below.